


i will

by sankta alina (wendiho)



Series: last words of a shooting star [1]
Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, Bathing/Washing, Boys In Love, Caretaking, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Book 2: Crooked Kingdom, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Song Lyrics, Song fic, Tenderness, ck spoilers, dont worry theres a nice ending, if ur gay and love mitski chances are u’ll like this, pain. raw pain.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:34:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22208722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wendiho/pseuds/sankta%20alina
Summary: Jesper keeps having reoccurring nightmares and it has turned Wylan into an insomniac. The moments they have between the restless nights make it a little more worth it.
Relationships: Jesper Fahey/Wylan Van Eck
Series: last words of a shooting star [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1598683
Comments: 3
Kudos: 74





	i will

**Author's Note:**

> this is only loosely based on 'I Will' by Mitski so take that with a grain of salt hope you enjoy anyways

”And all the quiet nights you bear  
Seal them up with care  
No one needs to know they're there  
For I will hold them for you”

\- _I will_ by Mitski, from _bury me at makeout creek_

* * *

It's the third time that week. Wylan couldn’t remember the last time they’ve had a peaceful night without the anxiety about what will happen when sleep finally overtakes Jesper. It didn’t make sense, in the comfort of the Van Eck mansion they were safe from harm's way of the world. Neither of them had to worry about death knocking on their door before they were awake. Jesper’s unconscious had a different idea of what was safe and what wasn’t. From the surface, he acknowledges that the hardest part of his life was over. He didn’t need to run away anymore. But in every dream he’s had for the past month he’s been doing just that. Running as fast as his feet could carry him before he would collapse. Most of the time it's Inej, other time’s it's Wylan. His own father had made a few guest appearances. No matter the person the baseline alway’s stayed the same. Jesper searched in the darkness for something to stop the sensation that his whole body was going to burst if he didn’t fall into his temptations. His gun hostlers were taught against his hips although the comforting weight of his guns wasn't there to reassure him. He was alone. Until a voice calls out his name, the person behind the voice changes but the desperation always stayed the same. This time the voice was high pitched, more out of fear than natural tone. 

“Jesper?” The voice calls out from the distance. A cool wave washes over his adrenaline spiked nerves. 

He trudges towards the source of the voice blindly with his hands outstretched into the darkness The empty black space swallowing him whole. It's the kind of darkness that was heavy against your skin, that weighed down every step until your feet felt as if they were made of lead. 

“I thought that I could trust you, Jesper.” The voice chokes out. Inej. “I was wrong.” 

The wind picks up and it causes Jesper to brace against the current as he forces himself to push forward. He wasn’t sure where he was, all he knows for sure is that the Saints weren’t pleased with him. No matter how hard he tries to speak back nothing came out, only a dull ache blossoming in his throat. 

“I almost died because of you. All you think about is yourself. Not once have you considered that your actions could affect other people.” Inej’s voice echoes in all directions, making it impossible to attempt to follow. 

The only words caught on Jesper’s tongue were: _I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m like this. I don’t know how to change it._ Despite the effort he put in to muster up anything, his vocal cords weren’t having any of it. Jesper doubted he had any to make the words come out. The way his throat was pulsing with pain mimicked a heartbeat and his mind filled with images of his vocal cords being yanked from his mouth.

Wrecked sobs fill the heavy, almost humid air. His mind and body became dizzy with guilt. Being the cause of his friend’s tears is hard enough to stomach but the fact that he's helpless to stop them made it all the more painful. _I did this._

It wasn’t a matter of being able to apologize, that’s not what this is about. This hell was designed to taunt Jesper with his own regrets over his head, just out of reach. 

All of a sudden, the darkness around him turns into deep water. It flows into his gaped mouth and enters his lungs as smooth as gin. He squints up heavenwards in an attempt to find a light at the surface as his vision blurs into nothingness. There’s no way out. His last breath invites the murky water into his lungs and eats at his insides. Jesper struggles and outstretches his hands in front of him once more. This time he wasn’t left empty-handed. 

“Jes, hey. It’s just me.” Wylan hushes as the water drains away, allowing him to hear clearly again. 

Jesper gasps for air in panicked intervals as he shoots up from his position in the ridiculously spacious bed. Realization washed over him, replacing the relentless waters that held him captive mere moments ago. The only light filtering in the bedroom is the candle at the bedside table closest to Wylan. Said boy’s eyes are blown wide with a mix of fear and concern. The candlelight behind him outlining his silhouette and hitting his ruddy curls in just the right spots to appear as they’ve taken up in flames on his scalp. 

“Oh saints, sorry.” Jesper whispers, surprising himself by hearing his own voice pierce the silence. 

“It’s okay. You - You were thrashing and talking in your sleep.” Wylan explains slowly, his brows never unknitting from that grimace that Jesper hates being the cause of. “The same nightmare?” 

Jesper manages a single nod and pulls his legs up to his chest. His heart beating so hard in his ears that he wouldn’t be surprised if the other could hear it from there. 

“Can I touch you?” Wylan asks after a beat of quiet. 

Jesper doesn’t answer, all he does is reach out for his boyfriend with shaky hands. Wylan complies immediately, scooting closer to the shrunken frame next to him. He traces soothing circles on his back with his slender piano fingers. It’s the softest touch from an angel. 

“It was Inej this time. I couldn't -” 

“Jes, let it pass.” 

Jesper forces himself to hold back the millions of things he wants to say. One question comes up from the surface, barely audible against his knee. 

“Do you think I’m selfish?” 

“No, not one bit. You’re one of the most selfless people I’ve ever met.” Wylan says all too quickly, though he means every bit of it. 

“You’re too nice to me…” Jesper lifts his head from his bunched up knees. He searches inside the other boy’s eyes for any sign that he was lying. All he found was a kind of care that he’s only ever felt from his mother. 

“You deserve it. If I could I’d take all your bad dreams away and deal with them for you.” 

A soft chuckle escapes from Jesper’s chapped lips. _He really loves me,_ he thinks to himself. It terrifies and fills him with warmth all at once. Never once did Jesper believe he’d be appreciated for simply existing. Wylan presses a kiss to his forehead and lets his lips linger there. He nuzzles his nose against the side of his cheek, giving him butterfly kisses as he went along. It sends a chill down Jesper’s spine. 

“You being here with me is enough.” He whispers, his hand’s carding through the other’s soft curls did the rest of the talking for him. It was instinctual. 

Wylan meets his gaze with a sad smile before continuing, “Do you think you can get back to sleep?” 

“I’m not sure… It’s hard for me.” Jesper admits but it's no secret. He diverts his attention and takes a look out the grand window from his side of their bed. The bleak sky offered no light through the embroidered curtains. The sun was nowhere to be seen, so the reasonable answer is to go back to bed. But since when is Jesper reasonable? The boy at his side takes his fidgeting hand in his own and follows his gaze out the window. Both of them bask in the silence before either of them feel inclined to speak again. 

“If I’m being honest, I haven’t slept all night. I was worried about you.” 

Jesper turns his head back to look at his boyfriend. Those wide eyes full of sincerity staring right back at him. He doesn’t want to be the reason Wylan stays up at night. Someone like Jesper wasn’t worth the worry from his perspective. He loves the boy with his entire heart but he doesn't understand why he does some of the things he does. Jesper doubts he would get an answer to that mystery and he’s alright with that. Some things are better left unanswered. 

“Wy, you should get some rest. Don’t let my nonsense get in the way of your beauty sleep.” He says in a tone that reminds Jesper of his Da when he would stay up past his bedtime. 

“I’m not tired, really. And I want to be there for you, so let me?” Wylan wants it to come out as a demand but instead, it held the air of a question. _Please, let me help you._ His heart begs. 

The room deafens again and for a moment - Jesper is convinced he’s drowning again. He squeezes his eyes shut in an attempt to stop the water from rising. 

“I - Okay. Knock yourself out.” He mutters through gritted teeth. The water stills. 

Without another word, Wylan tightens his grip on the other’s hand and pulls him out of the comfort of their bed. When Jesper opens his eyes, those familiar sea-blue eyes were still fixed on him. Jesper decides drowning wouldn’t be so scary if it was in the pools of Wylan’s eyes. 

He lets the smaller boy guide them into their master bathroom. Jesper would never get why a had washroom to be so spacious. Surely it was only to show off. The floors were a shiny marble that when he glances down he could make out his reflection as pure as day in the tiles. Wylan shoots him a sideways grin in his direction as he lets go of his grip on his hand. He can’t help but focus in on the sway of the younger boy’s hips under the oversized shirt that stopped at his mid-thigh as he walks. It was without a doubt one of Jesper’s shirts by how it fit him, the shirt much too long for his petite frame compared to Jesper’s gangly one. He doesn’t mind Wylan stealing his clothes one bit. Somehow he made them work although he might be a little biased. 

Wylan’s sock-clad feet stop in their tracks at the generously sized clawfoot bathtub. He bends over at the waist and turns the faucet to allow the water to flow freely into the tub. His palm runs under the water to test the temperate. (By the way the boy hums, Jesper guesses it’s just right) Jesper watches with his head tilted to the side with overwhelming fondness. Wylan pushes down the drain stopper and straightens out his posture to turn back to the other with anticipation. 

“Come here.” Jesper lilts as he closes the space between them. 

He has to bend down to reach his lips but there’s something he finds endearing about that. As they kiss, Jesper’s hands travel under Wylan’s oversized shirt. His nimble fingers ghost over his lower back in a teasing manner and the older boy can almost imagine the freckles under his fingertips. Wylan is the one to pull away, much to the other’s protest. 

“Mmm, I see you’re feeling better.” 

“You’re the best medicine.” Jesper flirts as he rucks Wylan’s shirt up past his hips. 

Wylan lifts his arms up above his head with a soft sigh. The way his gaze never breaks away from Jesper’s causes the other’s movement’s to be more clumsy than he would like them to be. Once over his head, he lets the shapeless fabric fall to the ground with ease. Wylan’s breath hitches and he isn’t sure why. There’s a sort of intimateness between them. Not lustful or sensual. That has been the case for them many times but this is different. The desire to hold another and never let go. Wylan isn’t sure he could let go of him if he had to. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Jesper inquires with a fond smile that's sprouts dimples at the corners of his lips. The sight makes butterflies erupt in Wylan’s stomach the same way they did the first time he saw that smile. 

“Because I love you.” Wylan says simply. It wasn’t the first time he’s told him that, no. It must have been the hundredth time now. 

Jesper giggles. _Ghezen,_ Wylan could listen to his laugh forever. “I love you too, merchling.” 

Wylan ducked his head down to hide his rosy cheeks from the other’s view. After all this time, the older boy can make his blush at the smallest things. Jesper, seemingly all out of patience yanks off his underwear and flings them into the pile with the shirt. Wylan follows suit and shimmies out of his own. He peels off his socks with clumsy precision and ends up having to hold onto the edge of the bathtub for support. He wonders how he got out of the Ice Court alive when he can barely take off his socks without faceplanting. 

Jesper lights a few candles around the bathtub with a match from the matchbox conveniently placed to the side. A part of him wonders if the other boy planned this out beforehand. Wylan turns the valve to a stop and climbs into the warm water. He lowers down into the tub with caution and exhales at the sensation of hot water on his bare skin. Jesper’s heart skips a beat. Drowning. 

_No. This is real. You're safe with Wylan,_ he tells himself. 

Wylan reaches his hand out for him and he takes it without hesitation. He steps into the tub and takes his place across from the boy. Despite his long limbs, plenty of room remained for both of them. That fact didn’t stop them from their legs brushing against the others for no other reason than to feel each other. 

“Hi.” Wylan greets with cheeks as red as his hair. The warmth from the bath did the job of putting color back into his face. With the lack of sleep, he was starting to take on the appearance of a corpse. 

“Hi there.” 

Jesper splashes him with a flick of the wrist. It incites a delightful squeal from Wylan. He only gets to revel in his reaction for a quick second as Wylan splashes him back with the twice the force. 

“Okay - Okay.” Jesper surrenders, holding his wet hands up by either side of his head. 

The boy almost expects another playful splash or to get the middle finger but instead, Wylan shifts closer. Their thighs interlock together like puzzle pieces. Then soft fingers are in his hair, pulling him closer. The kiss is sickeningly sweet and it makes Jesper’s head swim. Wylan’s presses his forehead against Jesper’s, not wanting the moment to end. He feels the Zemeni boy physically relax into the touch and let out a content sigh. Never has Wylan seen Jesper be so still without the need to move. Every fiber in Jesper is made of electricity that requires energy to function properly. When the spark falters inside of him, it isn’t pleasant for anyone. Right now, his boyfriend’s presence was enough to keep his spark radiating with energy. He recharges his battery when Jesper might as well think he’s done for. 

“Thank you for dealing with me. I know… I can be a pain in the ass sometimes.” 

Wylan pulls away a fraction of an inch to observe Jesper’s facial expression. The way his eyes were shining how they haven't in weeks told him maybe everything was going to be alright after all. 

“No need to thank me, it’s what I’m here for.” 

Wylan didn’t leave room for Jesper to slip in an excuse or a self-deprecating joke by shifting the attention on their bodies. Wylan scoops up the warm water with cupped hands and drizzles it onto the sharp curve of Jesper’s shoulderblade. The action is precise and full of care, nothing like how he splashed the other boy moments ago. Jesper’s long lashes flutter closed as he tilts his head to the side in bliss. 

“What was that for?” Jesper asks, not bothering to lift his heavy lids. 

“I’m taking care of you.” Wylan answers. 

That wasn’t the answer Jesper was anticipating but he would take it with open arms. The smaller boy grabs a washcloth sized rag draped over the side of the tub and dips it into the water. Before the other could fully process what his boyfriend’s answer meant, he was being washed with a warm damp cloth with delicacy. It was in Wylan’s nature to be tender but when it came to Jesper it went a whole different level. He was made of glass and one motion too harsh could shatter him. 

There's no need for words between them as Wylan’s gentle motions managed to get every point across. An unspoken “I love you’. By the time Wylan had finished washing off his body and moved onto his hair, his heart has increased twice it’s size in his chest. At this rate, his ribcage was going to start to ache. The other boy massages his fingers into the textured hair from behind while humming a tune he recently learned on the piano. Jesper’s drowsiness began to overtake him due to such relaxing repetition. He slumps against Wylan and he head lolls to the side on Wylan’s freckled chest. A soft ‘oh’ falls from the younger boy’s lips causing Jesper to stir. 

“Hmmuh?”

“Here, Jes. Let’s get out.” Wylan whispers and squeezes his shoulder. 

Jesper responds with a hum and lifts himself up to get out of the bathtub. The other boy is right next to him and holds onto his arm to keep them from slipping. A shivering Wylan steps out of the tub onto the fuzzy rug and grabs a couple of towels. Before Jesper can tease Wylan for resembling a drenched kitten, a soft towel is being thrown around his broad shoulders. 

“Thanks.” He says with a sleepy grin reaching from ear to ear. 

Wylan only nods as he wraps himself in his own towel with chattering teeth. _Much cuter than a drenched kitten_ , Jesper decides. He leans down and kisses Wylan’s cheek. Then his nose. And finally, his lips. 

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Jesper says. If he had the energy to right now, he’d get down on one knee and recite love poetry to him. 

“You're capable of yourself but I’m glad I can help you through the bad times.” 

Wylan goes on his tiptoes and kisses him to punctuate his feelings. Jesper can't help but smile against the kiss. There’s no one he would rather have by his side in times like these. 

**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me if there are any grammatical errors as I edited this very quickly. Hope you enjoyed x


End file.
